Thoughts While Davening

When did I get so bad at this? I feel like I would much rather give a sheep to a Cohen for slaughter than daven. I’m so grateful, talking about it scares me though, even with God. I should learn more. Why couldn’t the Beatles make eight days a week a reality? They were loaded with cash. I need that eighth day. Wait, I’m davening- Hashem, I need more time. I need Shabbat. Thanks God, for that. I am really grateful to have a job. Some sort of direction. When will everyone I work with realize this is my first full time job and I don’t have ANY idea what half the abbreviations they use are? When that b***** in my classes told me I’d never do more than be a designer at some third rate graphic design house, maybe it made me so angry because that’s what I think I deserve? Does anyone know what they’re doing? At all? In Life? The goal of the Game of Life is to make a lot of money and have a family. Real life, is real life that too? Why does it feel that way? Why is that the goal when meat is so expensive? Hashem, should I become a vegan? Aryeh would never let us become vegans- we both love burgers too much. Today, will I do what I’m meant to do? You know, not checking endless amounts of chores and tasks from my to-do list, but really what you, God need me to do? How do I figure out what that is? How do I figure out who you need me to be? Is who I want to be who I’m meant to be, is that free will? What if I am supposed to work at B&H or the OU and lose myself in a world I want so badly to be a part of but also not? How am I so tired all the time when- oh great my phone is buzzing I wonder if it’s important I wonder if it’s urgent I wonder if I am going to have to go back home is my son sick did someone die did someone steal my identity and now I hypothetically owe millions of dollars. I saw that thing called Deep Fakes and what if someone put my face on porn? Oh Hashem, I know I try very hard to be a sex-positive person, but I really hope I never catch any of my children watching porn. What do I even say? Be grateful you have a child to walk in on them watching- When is Game of Thrones coming back? I feel like I know nothing, like Jon Snow, this world is so big and I am so small and insignificant and unimportant and then there is you God- SHEMA YISRAEL-FOCUS-ADON-FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS- BARUCH SHEM KEVOD- YOU ARE NOT SAVORING THE MOMENT, SAVOR THE PRAYER AYALA, SAVOR IT. Great, my phone is buzzing again. I wish I had tissues. I am sure I will get to work today and will feel constantly inadequate and wondering when the heck someone will realize I feel so incredibly lost and either fire me or help me but let’s be real I’m perfectly qualified I feel lost because my mind and soul are at work but my heart is at home and I miss feeling complete. If I knew having a family would mean that every minute we’re not together feels like another moment wasted I would never- I love my job- I love my job- I love my job. I did not enjoy being at home all the time. Or did I? Gosh we need to unpack. I need to clean. I need to breathe. I need to feel like a place is home but moving has reminded me that home is not a place, it’s a people. Gosh I should rewatch Thor Ragnorok. Fantastic movie. I have so much to do and no time to do it and gosh I am so far away from God, I am about to say shmonai-esreh and all I can think about is a Marvel movie? When did life get so full? I feel like every aspect of my life is full of God, how do I talk about that? Why is there this belief that God has to exist only in some things when that is so blasphemous what is blasphemy what do I know I know nothing I can’t do anything I have to do everything I have to I have to I have to. Do I have to or do I want to? Abraham, Issac, Jacob. Rad dudes. They lived in a world that was so against them, why are we so scared of that when that’s how we started? Is three thousand years really so long in the span of the world? According to who? What the heck is time? God I love you. Thank you for my health. Thank you for my financial comforts. Thank you for- WHY IS MY PHONE BUZZING? WHY DO I PRAY ON THE TRAIN? God I need to pray to you when it’s loud and full of energy you belong in quiet rooms full of focused people but you also belong here on this train with all of these people and I want you to know that I need to believe that because I can’t work at B&H or the OU or any of those places because my brain is broken and I can’t find you God, where you’re supposed to be seen easily I can’t, I need glasses. I love you, and I can’t be in these typically spiritual spaces and be happy you’re around. This is tough to say. This is tough to hear. This is tough. What’s up God? When did I get so bad at this?   

Illustration by yours truly.