Sometimes I wonder, what does it look like?
What does it feel like?
What does it smell like?
How does it taste?
What sound does it have
When we finish in this world.
What’s on the other side?
Here is how I imagine it:
I’m gonna die however I am.
I’m gonna shoot really quickly somewhere. The speed will shock me in the beginning, and I’ll still be thinking about how I died, but soon enough I’ll obtain the “fuck-it” attitude and begin enjoying the journey.
I’ll start imagining that it’s finally over and that now the good feelings start. I’ll start hoping for a better future. Again.
Then I’ll land. I’ll land in an open space… but slowly I’ll see faces. Judgemental faces. Judgement like I’ve never before felt. Judgement that can see through me. Judgement that knows what could have been.
There will be a panel of judges. All of my principals, deans, rosh yeshiva’s, mashgichim, teachers, personal trainers, dieticians, sponsors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, wives, ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-flings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, in-laws, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, my own sisters and any one of my friends, acquaintances, and bosses that I failed with.
They will want answers. I will begin trying to supply them with explanations, but just like life on earth, they will attack me before listening.
My parents won’t be there to protect me.
They will have been put away for raising a failure, and they’ll hate me for what I’ve become.
Eventually, as usual, I will get frustrated at them for not understanding me, and I will yell.
But no voice will come out, because deep down I’ll agree with them.
I’ll try to run away, but powers greater than me will hold me back.
Then the angels will come in.
The white angels will begin pouring in. All of the nice things I did for people, all the time I spent helping people… And I’ll start feeling like, finally… now they’ll love me.
But then the black angels will pour in. They will come in the millions. All of the things I did wrong against myself. All of the times I wronged others. All the times I was full of shit and made myself look good to make others look less good. All of the times I fucked with people’s heads just to feel in control. All of the things God didn’t want me to do.
When they’re finished tipping the scale, they will go to the other side and tip it more. When I ask them why, they’ll show how all of my good deeds were for the wrong reasons, and they will take them away from me.
I will start worrying hardcore… but I will still have the hope that soon God will want to meet me, and maybe He’ll understand.
But He won’t come.
They will tell me that He never existed, that they are him.
Then the video will start. All of the people, me included, will see what could have been.
How I could have learned Torah in yeshiva and done everything I was told. How I could have asked less questions and done more. How I could have been nicer to my wife and swallowed everything, thereby raising a family of bnei torah. How I could have honored my parents more and just listened to everything they said. How I could have been stable. Normal. Successful.
They will tell me how I failed. It will feel like the worst pain I have ever experienced… excruciating. I will then know that my life was for nothing.
I will then be judged for how I died.
If it was from a bicycle accident, I will be yelled at for not wearing my helmet.
If it was from a complete accident, I will be yelled at for not doing more mitzvos and gaining merits.
If it was from old age, I will be fine.
But if it will be from a drug overdose, I will be painfully attacked for using. For killing myself. And they will burn me.
If I had killed myself, they will throw me away. They will put me into a permanent oven. Not an 11 month standard hell, but a permanent one. I will be told that I am totally worthless. I will feel so much emotional pain I’ll want to kill myself, but will be stuck. Forever.
That’s the impression I have now.
The following version is what I want it to look like:
When I die, I will feel calmness. For the first time. I will feel like I have arrived at my destination.I
will be sinking into myself for the first time. I will enjoy it immensely.
Then I will see God.
I’ll know it’s Him. I don’t know how, maybe I’ll feel His unconditional love pouring straight into me.
And He’ll hug me.
After embracing, He’ll sit me down and tell me the following:
“In the past, when people came here, they needed to give a din vecheshbon, an explanation of why and what. Today, you are going to get one from me. Ask me why…”
And I will go my entire life and ask Him why. Why, why, why… And I’ll express myself honestly for the first time. I will tell all of the crazy things my mind did. I will tell Him all of the pain I caused myself and my family…
And He will say He’s sorry.
And He’ll explain.
He will show a video, but it won’t be of me.
In fact, He will show me many videos, all of other people.
All of the people whose soul I had been given. Me.
He’ll show me why I begged for this life. He’ll show me how much I helped those people by living this life. And I will feel accomplished.Then He’ll take me to a room filled with torture equipment. He will show me videos of himself going through excruciating pain whenever I had pain. He will explain why, although it was all for my own best, it hurt Him more than it hurt me. He will show me the pain he went through every time I begged for things and He had to say no. He will show me the immense pain he went through every time I cried for help and He said no, this is what you need now.
And I’ll hug him and say “I love you, Daddy.”
It’s over now.
Then He’ll show me another video. This one will be a TV show with many seasons and episodes. Each episode showing the times I tried to help people by talking to them and listening, calling others to help, going to meet them, helping them pay for things, etc… He will show me the events of their lives, and how I helped them many steps ahead.
It will have been worth it.
He will tell me, that for me it may be over, but until the redemption, the rest of the world is still in hell, and He will explain the pain He goes through watching it.
And He will give me the job I’ve always wanted. To help others. I will no longer have intense focus issues or thoughts of escape. I will be healthy. And for the rest of eternity, I will be helping other people through their hardships. That will be my paradise…