I Want To Sit Shiva For You

(1)
i want to sit shiva for you
nasty snarling mourning
mornings hungover on secrets
i want to tear kriyah for you
tear memories from journals
turn our past selves to ash
i want to sit shiva for you
i want to not speak ill of the dead
i want to cherry-pick good stories
even though i remember bad ones
even though i hold bad ones
in shaking hands
even though i try to let them slip
into the grates on the sidewalk
even though i wear them
in a locket you engraved

(2)
my therapist says i should mourn
but i already have
already am
i’ve been mourning you for years
i wanted to sit shiva for you
i know it won’t make you want
to dance with our giggles
to comfort our sobs
i won’t let myself sit shiva for you
nasty snarling mourning
eating its way out of my chest
wrenching my ribs into knives
my blood into salt

(3)
i wanted to sit shiva for you
tear kriyah for why i wanted you to stay
i am forgetting you
forgetting what was good
forgetting what was God
i am speaking ill of the dead
i am forgetting you

(4)
i did not sit shiva for you
i did not sit shiva for you
nasty snarling mourning
nasty healing mourning
i am piecing apart a wall
mourning left me lonely
i am turning keys in locks
mourning opened me
i’ve rinsed the salt
rib-wounds bent back
peaceful healing mourning

(5)
did i sit shiva for you?