Jewish Futurisms

In 5780 Jewish peoplehood will be difficult

In 5781 the Land of Israel will devour its inhabitants

In 5782 most people will love the Torah, unconcerned with its truth

In 5783 it will be revealed that the Lubavitcher Rebbe wore vegan tefillin

In 5784 Jewish life on Mars will begin

In 5785 most Jews will prefer the soul over the body

In 5786 the Jewish nonprofit world will replace its dependence on capitalist terminology with the terminology of poetics

In 5787 Reb Zalman will come back

In 5788 nearly 82% of American synagogues will share their buildings with megachurches

In 5789 the Reconstructionist movement will adopt Torah law

In 5790 the state of Utah will apply strict kashrut standards to every public cafeteria

In 5791 Berlin will be understood as the center of global Jewish life

In 5792 society will finally contend with the fact that Reb Zalman came back

In 5793 Israel and Palestine will be admitted into the union as the 49th and 50th states (Idaho will have seceded in 5789)

In 5794 Jews will walk proudly

In 5795 most Orthodox rabbis will be women

In 5796 Jewish organizations will champion the successful overturning of the 2nd Amendment

In 5797 the global Jewish population will peak

In 5798 violent pogroms will be experienced in San Francisco and Silicon Valley

In 5799 the Jews will be deeply confused trying to make sense of the passing century

In 5800 the Conservative movement will prohibit its members from speaking English

In 5801 14% of the world’s evangelical Christian community will convert

In 5802 the Shabbat morning service will primarily consist of passionately kissing the sefer Torah

In 5803 nothing much will happen for the Jews

In 5804 the Reconstructionist movement will merge with a coalition of vegan and climate activists

In 5805 global warming will wipe out three of the “four species”

In 5806 the states of Israel and Palestine will secede from the union and become provinces of Canada

In 5807 messianism will sweep the Jewish communities of South America

In 5808 messianism will sweep the Jewish communities of Great Britain

In 5809 messianism will stop sweeping and go back underground

In 5810 Rebbe Nachman’s Lekutei Moharan will be featured on Oprah’s book club

In 5811 Judaism will rebrand itself as “Postmodern Moshe Folk”

In 5812 Judaism will largely be a tech corporation

In 5813 Jewish camp will be the exact same

In 5814 Jewish communities will read from the Zohar on Monday and Thursdays but from the Torah on Shabbat

In 5815 the “Who is a Jew?” question will be answered

In 5816 elements of the Reform movement will become radicalized

In 5817 the temple will be rebuilt

In 5818 Jewish children will begin to prophesize 

In 5819 global energy production will depend mainly on vibes generated by davenen

In 5820 the last sefer Torah will be written

In 5821 Jewish longing will temporarily cease

In 5822 “Hashem’s Love” will be the most popular Jewish children’s name

In 5823 Open Orthodoxy will permit some primates to recite kiddush

In 5824 all Jewish people will wear azure colored underwear

In 5825 the Kotel plaza will be converted into a beatnik café

In 5826 the second kabbalist will be elected president

In 5827 Jewish scholarship will decidedly investigate the “ish” 

In 5828 Jewish extremists will appear not so extreme

In 5829 genetic technology will permit parents to modify embryonic genes in order to give birth to kohanim

In 5830 the majority of Jews will be kohanim

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In 5831 a council of young American Jews will outlaw the music of Shlomo Carlebach

In 5832 73% of Jews will use the term “social justice” once every 33 words 

In 5833 the Kabbalah Center will represent most Jews

In 5834 American Jews will finally abandon hopes pinned on modernity

In 5835 surfing will replace shacharit

In 5836 Tel Aviv will host the winter Olympics to highlight “innovation”

In 5837 tens of thousands of butterflies will flutter out from Else Lasker Schuler’s tomb

In 5838 whiskey will flow from cracks in the Western Wall

In 5839 framed pictures of saints will adorn homes of all Jews

In 5840 the debate around circumcision will come to a head

In 5841 one hundred thousand Jewish women will gather for kabbalistic reasons

In 5842 a Jewish king will be anointed

In 5843 challah will be replaced with magic mushrooms

In 5844 Jewish televangelism will have its moment

In 5845 the meaning of the Shoah will be determined

In 5846 all Jewish radical groups will become mainstream

In 5847 the sepharadi Chief Rabbi will intermarry

In 5848 the Jewish people will go permanently behind the veil

In 5849 the final progressive rabbi will be ordained 

In 5850 the Dome of the Rock will be relocated to Deizengoff Center

In 5851 Jewish leaders will again be permitted to speak their conscience

In 5852 Yemenite Jews will be the largest Jewish denomination

In 5853 Moses’ resting place will be discovered

In 5854 Jews will believe in hell

In 5855 Jews will have no choice

In 5856 Jews will be served on a platter 

In 5857 Jews will sing the blues

In 5858 Jews will sail the ocean blue

In 5859 Jews will have a pretty good time

In 5860 Jews will lack a strategic goal

In 5861 Judaism will prove mostly insufficient to respond to global challenges

In 5862 there will be riots protesting bnai mitzvah

In 5863 94% of Jews will be LGBTQIA

In 5864 the key to Jewish engagement will no longer unlock the door

In 5865 Bibi Netanyahu will still be Prime Minister

In 5866 Jewish hippies will finally come to their senses

In 5867 the Jewish community will finally come out from beneath the shadow of the Holocaust

In 5868 the Jews will pack their bags

In 5869 Jewish prayer will effectively solve food scarcity in southern California

In 5870 the Dead Sea scrolls will be stolen, ground up, and swallowed

In 5871 the #1 best-selling book will be Rabbi Zac Kamenetz’s “Jewish Bird Medicine”

In 5872 Jerusalem will be the hipster capital of Hipsterstan

In 5873 Jews will mourn the loss of lox

In 5874 the fiery swords will cease spinning

In 5875 there will be more JuBu’s than BuJu’s 

In 5876 the 36 hidden Tzaddikim will remain hidden

In 5877 the Babylonian Talmud will give way to the Mexicano Talmudo

In 5878 creativity will be more important than kashrut

In 5879 the Jews the Jews the Jews