Thinking About It Doesn’t Count

I’m still “in”; are you?

When nightfall comes, when I notice it
I want to remind you
Before you remind me
To count

Then I win, checked my box
Tally the scores
But once I remind you to,
My mind considers the task completed
So I must count right away
At happy hour, on the bus,
Mid-conversation even; tonight’s number is…

Divide by four – X weeks, Y days
Declare my intentions, “Hineni muchan(ah),” behold,
I am ready and attuned
To fulfill the positive commandment now
Just like the verses so prescribe:
Seven weeks whole they shall be

The thing is, you must remember
And not just remember but do;
It’s one of those things that
Cannot be done in theory only –
Although perhaps that is most things.

Somehow days of thoughts that I
Should really write that essay already
Should return that phone call ASAP
Should get back to praying daily
Should meditate ten minutes daily, minimum
Do not make these things happen.

I am quite productive in theory
The person my ego takes me
To be
The version of who I would be,
Doing the things I totally would
Do in theory

Did you know that you cannot
Meditate in theory? Or
Apologize in theory? Or
Brush your teeth in theory?
Being the “type of person who
totally would
Remember to say after-meal blessings
Meal-prep every week
Focus on one thing at a time
Know better than to fall asleep staring at a screen
Write every day

Is not the same
As being her

Am I all talk?

Last night you reminded me except
I had already counted thirty-two
Without reminding you – not on purpose
But tonight is new, I must
Remember again, and again tomorrow too
We keep ascending because the work
Is never done, not the real work

Do not speak your goals aloud
And be fooled by the satisfaction
In your mind, thinking it’s real
If you must, whisper them low
There is no way to do it but to do it
I must remember.