Haikus About Frum Life

Hoo yeah — I’m taking a
shower. Brushing my teeth.
Three day chag — over.

How long have your cloves
been in the besamim jar?
Mine? For like six years.

People always think
that my toddler is a girl.
No, that’s a man bun.

You will get hacked if
all of your passwords are

Can I wait to pay
my rent? I have to pay for
all the Yom Tov food.

Fifty percent of
my post-tax income goes to
Empire Kosher.

It’s raining in the
sukkah, but not enough to
spoil the soup. Dang.

Since I’m a BT,
my neighbors’ reggae music
sounds real familiar.

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We don’t watch Uncle
Moishy. Just Living Torah.
That deserves street cred.

Do you save your nail
clippings to burn with chametz?
Mine go down toilet.

It takes fourteen Tim
Tam crackers to be yotzei Kiddush.
Plan accordingly.

The burner started
melting because it was on
for the whole Yom Tov.

Why do publishers
only send me books on the
Shoah to review?

I scared the crap out
of a would-be mugger by
yelling Tehillim.

You can’t buy rye bread
in Crown Heights, just at “kosher
style” treyf delis.