every time i say my anxiety is getting better or got better or will get better it’s like being hit with a mac truck of “haha you’re a dumbass, this will never go away” and i fill out sheets and sheets of therapy exercises that when i’m feeling healthy give me so much solace but when i’m feeling sick give me so much ambiguity i am writing words i do not believe yet i am something i do not believe yet people see me as a stable rock when i am pretty sure im the ocean a ocean and no one
seems to understand how easy it is to pretend you have it all figured out when everything you say do want need think adds another question mark to a list of question marks when did i get so many question marks when so many questions are going to be answered hashem will provide they say hashem will take care of you everything will work out in two three five ten twenty years but it is not two three five ten twenty years from now its right now and the only thing that keeps me in the present is that everlasting feeling in my mind that im going to die im going to die soon im going to die now theres no way im going to get through the next week the next month the next year i am not a rock i am not dense i am not solid please stop trying to crash into me or lean on me or pick me up and build houses around me i am not a rock i am water i am the ocean i am not yours to hold just to throw out somewhere at will my body doesnt have space for me anymore its like it is ignoring me i wonder if this is just natural or a product of me not caring about me i dont have time to care about me when everyone keeps telling me
care about you less your life isnt
about you anymore your life is
about your family but my family isnt mine should i be living
in time instead of space
when there is no space for me if there is no me and i just want to sleep and sleep and not leave the house and pretend that everything is fine and i am functional when im not like my computer glitches when i am watching a youtube video and doing something else my body is the same it keeps glitching the more i try to do the things i need to do please just stop glitching start carrying me i never felt like i needed my body to work correctly more than i need it to now i just want it to work not break down people keep telling me this is normal and everything is fine i am healthy everything will be ok when i do not feel fine or normal or healthy why doesnt anyone believe me this is my brain reacting to my body when i sleep my soul isnt in my body and i can rest i just want to rest i dont want to leave my bed where things are soft and edgeless like the ocean the moment my feet hit the ground i am a rock the waves of bullshit they call adulthood come back to knock me down until i can rest again.