Where Things Are Soft And Edgeless

every time i say my anxiety is getting better or got better or will get better it’s like being hit with a mac truck of “haha you’re a dumbass, this will never go away”
and i fill out sheets and sheets of therapy exercises that when i’m feeling healthy give me so much solace but when i’m feeling sick give me so much ambiguity
i am writing words i do not believe
yet i am something i do not believe
yet people see me as a stable rock when i am pretty sure im the ocean
a ocean and no one
seems to understand how easy it is to pretend you have it all figured out when everything you say

adds another question mark to a list of question marks when did i get so many question marks when so many questions are going to be answered
hashem will provide
they say hashem will take care of you
everything will work out in two three five ten twenty years
but it is not two three five ten twenty years from now its right now and the only thing that keeps me in the present is that everlasting feeling in my mind that
im going to die
im going to die soon
im going to die now
theres no way im going to get through the next week
the next month
the next year  
i am not a rock
i am not dense
i am not solid
please stop trying to crash into me
or lean on me
or pick me up and build houses around me
i am not a rock
i am water
i am the ocean
i am not yours to hold
just to throw out somewhere at will
my body doesnt have space for me anymore
its like it is ignoring me
i wonder if this is just natural or a product of me not caring about me
i dont have time to care about me
when everyone keeps telling me
care about you less

your life isnt
about you anymore

your life is
about your family

but my family isnt mine
should i be living
in time instead of space
when there is no space for me
if there is no me
and i just want to sleep
and sleep
and not leave the house
and pretend that everything is fine
and i am functional
when im not
like my computer glitches when i am watching a youtube video
and doing something else
my body is the same
it keeps glitching
the more i try to do the things
i need to do
just stop glitching
start carrying me
i never felt like i needed my body to work correctly more
than i need it to
i just want it to work
not break down
people keep telling me this is normal
and everything is fine
i am healthy
everything will be ok
when i do not feel fine
or normal
or healthy
why doesnt anyone believe me
this is my brain
to my body
when i sleep
my soul isnt in my body
and i can rest
i just want to rest
i dont want to leave my bed
where things are
soft and edgeless
like the ocean
the moment my feet hit
the ground i am a rock
the waves of bullshit they call
adulthood come back
to knock me down until i can rest again.