Miniature businessman on map of Europe. Color tone tuned

But Are They Jewish?

WARNING: Satire ahead.

But we share the deepest of bonds, regardless of those differences in geography, culture – and even beliefs. No “chasm” is “unbridgeable” and the only thing that is “absolute” is our bond to one another, which no holier-than-thou ideology can break. –Dov Lipman, 2013

They are from so far away- what were they doing there? Why did they stray so far from the homeland? Do they not believe in Eretz Yisrael? How can we know they’re not just a group of Christians who decided to be Jewish? We should check their DNA and see if they’re really Jewish. I mean, how did a Semitic group of people end up with blonde hair and blue eyes, looking like a prototypical Aryan? Certainly there’s something odd there, it just doesn’t line up. Jews are not white, and they seem so proud to be white passing, even though white people are inherently inferior with their fragile skin and can’t seem to stop killing, raping, and pillaging people. Who wants to be a part of that? Proud of that?

They speak in such weird tongues, twisting the Hebrew language into a Germanic, Slavic mess. They even read from the Torah like that! It’s like a secret cabal. Real Jews would never speak like that, say brachot like that.

And what’s with Pessach? Matzot are soft and spongy, not cardboard crackers! And “kitniot”? Please! Have they ever read a sefer? Don’t they know to check rice? There’s something suspicious about a group of people that make up these customs that have nothing to do with the essence of Pessach.

Personally, I’m uncomfortable giving them aliyot in my shul, they don’t give money to the shul for the kavod. How can someone take that kavod and not give? Do they even realize how rude that is? What a chillul Hashem?

And don’t even get me started on their Torahs. Their only protection is a flimsy velvet band and jacket. For heavens sake, it’s the Torah! Give it real protection, some kind of armor. Did the cold European winters mess with your survivalist sensibilities?

Last but not least, they are European supremacists. They consider themselves to be the most authentic Judaism and use their history and practices as a litmus test to the rest. They try to convert unsuspecting Jews to their ways and only celebrate “their own”. They poke and prod at the Jews supposedly so unlike them and take what they want out of it, calling their brother and sisters exotic like they are fruits not people, and abhor the rest. What are they trying to prove? Why are they so desperate to elevate themselves from their brother and sisters? That’s not very Jewish, is it.