I am bound by my dreams
and wishes
see
while I live in this world, held by this space
and my feet drag the ground
my mind is abuzz
heart longing
for what I
wish for.
I wish I was thinner
or
at least as thin as I was
when I was
happy.
(I wish I didn’t care how thin I
was.)
I wish I was always calm
centered
knew just how to maintain
that equilibrium that
always escapes me
relaaaaaaaax, yocheved.
I wish I could tolerate hugs that were just a little bit longer
just a little tighter
even though you just want someone
who’s a bit more
affectionate.
I wish I kept my cool so much better than I do
at least that time
that I really hurt
you.
(I wish I was a better faker.)
I wish I could be a better mom
knew just how to be with my kids
masterful educator
discipliner
cooker
washer
shopper
whisperer of sweet nothings that blow wind into your sails…
I wish I didn’t get so angry
why do I feel like I am constantly damaging them?
I wish I internalized all those self-help books.
(Yes Brene Brown, I feel shame.)
I wish i was always perfectly coiffed
with done up nails,
perfectly arched eyebrows,
a natural face of smudge-free make up,
no blackheads
no lines
no white hair
no cellulite
no doubt.
I wish I could express my love better.
I wish I was the kind of mom who was always prepared
with diapers, and wipes, and snacks, and a change of clothes, and everything else
a child might need
during the time
we are out.
I wish I had more time for my friends. I miss them.
I wish I was a better daughter
to my parents
when I was younger
and resisting was so
painful.
I wish I didn’t procrastinate so much.
I wish I remembered myself more as a child
to sit with that little girl and
ask her
her favorite color
her first memory
her fears
and what she wants to be when she grows up.
I wish I recorded every blissful moment in my life
so I knew
it was
real.
I wish
as I stood on the edge of
Liberation
my personal
Exodus
I could let go
of every damn dream
every last freakin wish
and just be.
my only wish
for real
freedom
at last.
