When G-d Stops Calling

I am not afraid to admit that I go through hard times.
Through emotional times,
Through confusing times.
That even those really shiny people that you see on Facebook and Instagram
Sometimes get down.
But maybe those times
Make the other times
That much more beautiful.

And last week,
I was having one of those times.
Where I was wondering,
What it was all for.
And where I’ve come from.
And where I’m heading.

Maybe she saw it in my eyes,
Maybe she felt it in my energy,
Maybe she just
Knew.

She motioned that I should take off my headphones.
And she told me,
‘When I look at you,
I see the spirit of G-d.’

I had nothing to respond.

My first instinct was to say,

What?
How?
Why?

Where?

Where in me do you see the spirit of G-d?

Because for the past few days,
I’ve been feeling anything but G-dly.
I’ve been feeling exquisitely,
Unquestionably,
Deliciously,
Disgustingly,
Human.

I looked at her in protest.
I wanted to ask her,
‘Really?’
I wanted to tell her,
‘No.’

I wanted to tell her that recently,
G-d and I have been on a last name basis.
Only He never told me His last name.

And so I haven’t known
How to get his attention.

I wanted to tell her
That for the past bit,
He’s been sleeping on the couch.
Only He’s left the house before I’ve woken up in the morning.
And so I haven’t seen His face.

That it’s almost like,
G-d had changed His relationship status on Facebook to ‘Single.’
And I’d made mine,
‘It’s Complicated.’
And so it’s been unclear
Where we’d end up.

Even though I’d always dreamed that we’d end up together.

I’d looked into G-d’s eyes
And pictured my wedding dress
More than I’d ever done with any man.

I wanted to ask her,
How did she see G-d’s spirit in me?
Because G-d?
He’s been ignoring my texts

Even though I know that He’s seen them,
Because my screen tells me so.

And that sometimes, I see Him typing.
And I dare to hope again.

But no message is ever sent.

It’s just those ellipses.
Those ridiculous ellipses.
Those ellipses
Which keep you hoping that there’s still a relationship.

But I didn’t ask her any of this,
I didn’t say any of this.

Instead,
I looked her in the eye
And I said,
‘Thank you.’

Because I know that it’s true.

That if I wasn’t afraid to admit the truth to myself,
I’d remember
That I am G-dly.

That we all are.

That G-d hadn’t stopped calling me,
I’d just put my phone on silent.
That He’d tried to refriend me,
I’d just pressed ‘Ignore’.
That he’d peeked into my room to give me a kiss
Before I faded into dreams
I’ve just pretended to be asleep.
Breathing deeply.
Face to the wall.
Eyes open.

But that I do radiate the spirit of G-d.

I wish I could go back to that moment.
And tell her,
‘You too’ instead of ‘thank you.’

They say, ‘Be kind
For everyone you meet
Is fighting their own battle.’

But maybe
We should be kind anyway.
Be nice
Anyway.
Be good
Anyway.

Anyway,
Maybe we should be kind
Regardless
Of the state of war and turmoil,
Or peace and joy,
Or surrender and apathy,
That a person is experiencing.

Because we are G-dly.
Whether we realize it or not.
Whether we feel it,
Or not.

We are
All of us,
Each and every one of us,
G-dly.

And G-ddamn it.
We are vibrant.

Even when we don’t know it.

You
Are
Vibrant.

You
Are
G-dly.

And G-d is good.
Even when He’s not.

Know this:

G-d
Is
Good.

And so are You.