Of the four worlds about which we are now speaking, you and I both know which is the highest,
Atzilut, the spirit realm, the place where one must earn the thousand keys for entry.
Oh holy gatekeeper, recognize me
by my manifold gladly sacrifices!
If it brings pleasure, I deny it, carving away my taivas until it is only a bared barren naked I, flying solo over salty blue seas, gazing into my own reflection despite the abject discomfort.
Oh holy gatekeeper, I beg you,
take note of my dedication
to restraint!
I am thoroughly imperfect, yet am I practiced in my withholding of desire,
just me and the trees,
just me and the humble, lofty
apple blossoms in the orchard.
Let not even a peach pass my lips.
Let there be no lusciousness,
for each hunger I leave unfulfilled creates a gape of want,
a wanton and open-throated
child-cry,
a wildness,
a vacuum,
a pocket of space made
specifically for your indwelling
immanence to reside.
I crown you with rubies and sapphires.
I crown you with golden light.
I am knowing you intimately
while refusing to allow myself
even a whiff of pleasure.
This is how I demonstrate
my commitment.
This is how I gain entry.
How I earn my keep.
How I reach toward you, like a sunflower to the light, sturdy-stalked and petal-splayed and seed-burst.
This is how I prove.
This is how I love.
This is how I pray.
This is my dveikut.
This is my Atzilut.
Of the four worlds about which we are now speaking, you and I both know which one we live in,
Asiyah, the physical realm, the place where one must messily consume
fuel to continue living.
Oh holy gatekeeper, I stare
at the swiftly tilting atlas
and imagine you,
brewing your morning tea
a hemisphere away,
while I climb into my sage-laden
dreamtime.
Oh holy gatekeeper, while I choreograph tangos,
I picture you jostling through human monsoons on busy sidewalks.
I brush my teeth,
wondering what you’re eating,
I refuse to even lay my own hands on my own body, let alone ever let any other lay hands upon me,
and I wonder if you’ve taken a lover.
I dreamt about you
before I ever met you,
I used to wait
tables, I willed you
to walk through the deli door.
I have waited and waited for you.
I have always known a love like this,
I only had never yet known you,
I only had not yet met you.
Oh, give me the full symphony:
Percuss
against my every limb,
let me be breathed in
by the wind instruments,
let me bowed and caressed
by the string section,
Oh, give me the full symphony,
or give me death.
I will survive on air alone
Until my last breath,
my only bliss,
my only hydration,
my only nutrition,
my only prayer,
my entire spiritual practice,
is loving you.
Time does not even exist.
Why wouldn’t I wait an eternity?
Where else do I have to be?
What else do I have to do?
This is how I prove.
This is how I love.
This is how I pray.
This is my dveikut.
This is my Atzilut.
***
And now…your EMOJI DVAR TORAH!
Mystic Kabbalistic Olam Atzilut Edition:
Image credit: The great Reid Godshaw of Harmonic Light.
