Yearning In Tishrei

Oh, Gd, just hug me already. I beg You.
All of me into Your big blue bosom.
The base flame, the core, the reason.
Come on, Gd. I need it.
Really, I need it. Hug me.
None of that tznius air-hug business.
None of that bro hug, back-pat business, either.
Not now, not ever; no how, no way.
My ego, I know, it’s got no shame.
My ego, I know, it’s got a mouth.
Working on it. Promise.
I promise. Become ego-less. Break me down to build me up.
And it’s these days when the work needs getting done.
“Return us unto You, Gd, & we will return!”

I know. The King left the field.
I’m late to the field. It’s just me under the sun, yearning.
Onward to Your court, then, wearing the clothes I wore in the field.
Tattered, shredded, & burnt – there are words for people like me.
Phrases folks like to use. Epithets.
They’re all right. And the folks who use them, they’re alright.
But I want what they want & I want what You want: the fire in the sun.
The real. The clear. The beginning of time anew.
You’ve got to admit, though, we can’t do this without You.
As You know too well: I can’t fix myself without You.
“Return us unto You, Gd, & we will return!”

There is that moment under the sun.
That moment I see the fire in the sun.
When the sheath around that blazing orb is transparent.
When I’m blinded by my own blindness.
I see everything clearly for the first time in millennia.
I am bnei maron. I am collective.
I am sheep.
I pass by You, counted for my use, my service, my weight, my wool, my meat—
as a whole, as a klal, as a community of mindless selves in fully mindful oneness.
And I as me doesn’t matter one bit.
But I am also me. I know it so clearly, now, the dichotomy.
The paradox that is not.
“Return us unto You, Gd, & we will return!”

I am me, too, & fully.
I am one & the same I.
Through that narrow pass.
One before me. One after me.
One above me, abyss below.
No one beside me. Just me.
And You count me. You count You & I in me as one.
I count as me. So clearly me.

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And in that moment the sheep, the klal, doesn’t matter one bit.
Tishrei says, “Don’t use your head! Go to Him with your heart open. Shut your mind!”
Tishrei says, “You have to be the head, not the tail. Use your head. Think then do.”
My Gd, don’t You know it, they are both right.
My Gd, I need Your hug. I need Your love.
Hug me wholly, lovehug me as a part, lovehug me as whole, as one.
Hug me as You love the greatest of the great.
Hug me as You love the lowest of the low.
Just hug me, dammit, from the inside out & the outside in.
Love me, hug me, because I am You in me & I am always me, just me.
Broken, burnt, tattered, shredded: complete.
Ego ridden, ego-less, in me is You & me: complete.
“Return us unto You, Gd, & we will return!”



Image of sun from Flickr.